06.28.09
Posted in The Slow People at 12:03 am by Administrator
This little gem of a moment requires a little personal backround on me. I am Vegan. I live on raw organic vegetables(no I do not own Birkenstocks or dress Hippie-like). What this basically means is that I am starving all of the time. And because I need my daily run to work off stress from the Slow people, my job(which I am married to) and my “Fidget”(we will address Fidget at a later date) it makes me even more hungry.
Knowing this, my weekly trip to the grocery store is usually not a fun task for me. Though I have a tremendous amount of self control(shocker–refer back to 2nd sentence), it is not easy to wander around in a place with everything I have given up. So on a normal day, I try and get in and out of the store in 20 minutes. Today, evidently does not qualify as normal. Maybe its Chicago’s recent heat wave that has brought the Slow people out or maybe its just someone upstairs trying to get me all worked up. Either way, be warned! The Asylum is empty. The inmates are on the loose.
So I am acting like Speed Racer trying to wind through the aisles and grab my usual items(I secrectly want to loudly hum the theme song to Mission Impossible but fear few in the store would find the humor in it so I save that for another time). Then I get to the tomatoes. I luv tomatoes. I eat them like candy. As I get done digging through all of them to find the perfect pint, I turn to put them in my cart. Out of nowhere(more accurately, out of the Asylum) a “big boned” woman shows up and proceeds to ask me “are you going to buy those tomotoes?” Now, my first thought is to tell her that I am just planning to tomatoe-sit them and let them ride around in the cart for awhile but I will have them home by 5. Unfotunately, I fear she might actually believe me. Thought #2 is to race off humming the Theme mentioned above and see if she has the Kahunas to follow. But instead I take the high road and simply answer, “Yes I am”.
Now at this point, I inaccurately assume this situation is over. My Bad! This woman proceeds to lay into me about the fact that I am purchasing the only good tomatoes. I am frozen and speechless(and this is very rare for me–I always have something to say)! Is this really happening??? I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher and crew to show up and tell me I’ve been Punk’d. But after about 5 minutes I realize, this Crazy B**** is serious. She has it in her little “pee brain” that I am going to back down. Boy, is she wrong. I am now pissed! And for those of you who don’t know me–this is very bad for this woman. My friends have actually nicknamed my temper because it is soooooo viscious. So I proceed to stare at something away from her in an effort to let her know I don’t really care about what she’s saying and keep me from going off on her. But I still keep hearing Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. So I decide to end this fiasco once and for all!
“Fine”, I say, “I will sell you back these tomatoes right after I check out for $95.39″. Now the intelligent people of the world would either tell me to “go jump” or storm off realizing there is no way in hell I am parting with “my maters”. But this Slow A** has the nerve to ask me “why $95.39, they are only $2.39?” “The other $93.00 is for the therapy I am going to need after dealing with a moron like you” was my only response. And then I walked away. I could have stayed and berated her some more. But its not fair to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. If you are stupid enough to ask if I am going to buy something I put in my cart at the grocery store, you are beyond “unarmed”. And if nothing else, I always try to play fair. Unless it looks like I may loose, and then all bets are off.
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06.27.09
Posted in The Slow People at 12:50 am by Administrator
Ok. I am not a Rocket Scientist(nor do I play one on TV) though I have often considered getting business cards made up that say I am one–or a Thermo-Nuclear Engineer–either way, I feel like a Rocket Scientist when in the presence of those of you out there that are…shall we say slow?
Now before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, I am not talking about people with illnesses or handicaps. They have a reason they act the way they do and they do not have a choice about it…but what is everybody else’s excuse??? People it is not that hard to do some of the simple things that you seem to f*** up on a daily basis(and you are usually in front of me in line or on the road when you do it). An example, streets have signs on them. And though they vary in color, shape and size, they are still signs and they are there to help your slow a** figure it out.
If you see a sign that says “One Way Do Not Enter” it means its a one way street(revolutionary, huh?). And that you are about to encounter My Suburban Assault Vehicle–as it is nicknamed-heading right for you. When this happens, normal people who have made this mistake, raise their hand –as a gesture of a polite apology for being a moron–and turn around to head the right way. You do not flip me the bird or yell at me or even hint that I am in the wrong. I am from Chicago. We invented road rage. And lets not forget that my vehicle can actually drive over yours and crush you like a little bug. So since you idiots can’t seem to figure it out with our current system, I have decided to rename street signs for you to make it easier to understand. Here goes:
1) One Way Do Not Enter will now read Get off the F’ing Road Before the Car Ahead Kills You!
2) Stop will now read This Sign is For all the Morons Out There Who Conveniently Ignored the Original Stop Sign and Slammed into Countless Vehicles –by the time you get done reading it…you will have made a complete stop. Good for you!
3) Railroad Crossing will now read For a Quick and Easy Death, Cross at Your Leisure! If You Are Smart Enough Not to Do This, Then You Deserve to Live.
4) Yield will now read If You think The Car Next to You is Letting You in…Then I Have an Amazing Opportunity for You. Please Exit Your Car and Stand Directly in Front of Mine!
5) No Parking will now read Feel Free to Leave Your Vehicle Here Unattended. But Be Advised This is a Authorized Ramming Zone for All of the Other Vehicles You Block in or Simply Piss Off.
6)The Hard Right/Left Signs will now read Brace Yourself at Your Current Speed, You Should be in Your Death Roll in 2.2 Seconds…Feel Free to Speed Up in an Effort to Entertain the Poor Driver Who Has Been Behind Your A** the Last 10 Miles
7) Stop Signals will now have instructions since you people can’t seem to figure out the “difficult” color scheme…The Red light will now say Do Really Want to Test Your Luck? The Yellow Light will now read Go Ahead Make My Day(But Be Advised There is a Mack Truck Heading This Way With Your Name on It!) And finally The Green Light will now simply read IT DOESN’T GET ANY GREENER!!!!!
Now that things should be easier for the “Slow” people, I have one more bit of advise for you. If you see a Big Black Suburban Assault Vehicle come speeding up behind you…Get out of its way. It could be me;)
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06.25.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:45 am by Administrator
Yeah……….NO!!!!
That is just a cheesy little picture that the site builder put on this page that I didn’t have the heart to delete. I keep waiting for it to turn into video and a linebacker to come charging in and level both of them(you know it would be funny-I will work on this for you). Though I was able to easily scratch the other mock photos initially surgically implanted on this page without my permission, I felt kinda sorry for these two. I mean just look at them. One of these two may be famous someday because I left this picture on my site which was taken during the early stages of what appears to be their “soon to be extinct” modeling careers. But they appear to be having a genuinely nice conversation about absolutely nothing.
Despite what The Florida BFF’s husband thinks, when I speak it is usually on very serious and important topics. And for the record, SHOES qualify as a serious and important conversation. For the men out there, I am feeling particularly giving today(don’t expect this again, please) so I will let you in on a little known female secret as to why SHOES are so important. Because it does not matter what size woman you are, a great pair of shoes will always look great on you. And as Cinderella taught us at the very earliest stages of life, a pair of shoes can change your life.
So hang in there boys, and if you really want to “get some” be sure to mention how amazing your babe’s shoes look. This will take you far.
As for my aspiring models up there. I am going to give them their 15 minutes and leave them up….For Now!
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Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:06 am by Administrator
My Characters (The PC Sister(who you can’t help but love), The Techy Brother(if it’s shiny and has buttons…he can “upgrade it”), The Ohio Neighbors(Arrrggghh!), The Cali BFF, The Florida BFF and The Men(they do not individually deserve more than one name–perhaps numbers)
(More on the characters to follow)…Let’s start with me!I was born and raised in the Midwest(for the rest of you who share this curse–my sympathies). I am not sure why I have stayed here. My 2 best friends live in Florida and California. And proceed to tell me at every point when we talk, how great the weather is. I firmly believe they have a bet going to see who can get me to breakdown and move someplace warm first–good luck girls! I may actually do it….but first I would like to address a few things with the people who invented “global warming”. Clearly they did not “stop by” Chicago anytime this Winter!
Anyway….
My life has become a whirlwind of surprisingly “scratch-your-head-and-say-HUH?” situations that have managed to bring me to this point. So instead of purchasing firearms or resorting to prescription drugs(orange is not my color, stripes are too 80’s for me and my Doctors won’t give me the good stuff) , I have started this site to Blog It Out(I know you like this but I am working on patenting it–so hands off). And maybe entertain a few others in the process.
If this doesn’t work we will go to Plan B…..lots of Vino and Valium. We might have to throw in a few 20 somethings to mix it up. We’ll see.
Advanced warning….there is no Plan C!
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06.24.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:48 pm by Administrator
About The Slurpee Queen:
This website is intended solely for the population of smart-but-sarcastic adults out there who need an “10 minute adult-timeout” from life.
We all have stress(duh!).We all deal with our specific situations in our own way. This is just my attempt at managing life little surprises and solving it’s unsolvable mysteries for my own sanity(which I am moderately sure I had at one point).
Some future topics to be covered:
Does Tequila really make your clothes fall off?
Is sanity overrated?
Should slow drivers be allowed on the roads during rush hour?
If we really have “global warming” why was is so freakin’ cold last winter?
Please stay tuned…
Need to put a special thanks to my family & 2BFF’s here…Not sure I would have made it this long w/out you. Luv you all!!!
How to know a true friend:
1) A true friend is someone you have done so much crazy s*** with, you must always be friends with them for fear they will write a book.
2) A true friend is not the person who stops you from doing something stupid, but documents it on film first and then saves your ass.
Editors Note: If you are easily offended, feel free to visit elsewhere.
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