07.13.09
Just sitting here watching the corn grow…
Every year the weekend after the 4h of July, I wander back home (to “Nascar Alley” as I have appropriately nicnamed it–some people refer to it as Ohio) to spend a weekend with my family for our Birthdays and play in our Annual Charity Event, Mudvolleyball for Epilepy aka Mudstock. There is nothing quite like 200 Volleyball Teams drinking at 7am and then romping around in the Mud attempting to coherently play the game. Its priceless!
Nascar Alley is approximatley a 5.5 hour drive(4 hours if Im driving) from Chicago–85% of which is spent driving through the State of Indiana. For those of you who have never had this experience, dont do it. Though Indiana does have a higher posted speed limit and a shortage of cops to pull over my Urban Assault Vehicle, it is at the very least the most mundane drive ever. The only thing that keeps me from falling asleep is my schrill voice singing along with my ipod and seeing the reaction of the drivers I pass. And the utter thrill of coming up on a subcompact car at 95 mph and seeing the driver soil himself as he tries to get out of my way.
Today, I drove back–trying, of course, to beat my previous time it took me to get there(my sister and her partner want to sponsor my racecar team should I ever choose that as my next profession). As I am approximately 60 miles (or 20 minutes the way I drive) from Chicago, traffic comes to a dead stop. Now at this point, I have been in the car for 3.5 hours without moving. I am ridiculously sore and bruised from my slightly intoxicated attempt at a Volleyball game yesterday. All I want is for the Slow People to get out of my way so I can get home and veg a little–not an outrageous request. But the Indiana Dept of Highways has another plan for me.
Evidently there is a new standard for their road construction(and when it comes to road construction I am an expert–I am from Chicago–and as everyone knows Chicago has 2 seasons, Winter Season and Road Construction Season). They have decided to turn their highway into 1 lane for roughly 15 miles. Now I understand the roads need fixing. And I also understand the need to block off on lane as your fixing it. But if you are going to this, then work on the other side of the road. I am sitting in my Mini Monster Truck staring out the window watching corn grow and suddenly it dawns on me. As I have been creeping down this now 1 lane highway, there is no work being done to the other lane. No equipment, no cut up concrete, nothing! There is a line of traffic from Chicago to Indianapolis(ok maybe not that far–but you get the idea) in 85 degree heat with thousands of drivers working on their road rage skills(I do need to work on mine–they are already perfected) for absolutely no reason.
I am wondering if they are all sitting in their pickups on the frontage road with a case of beer watching this mess and getting some twisted entertainment out of it. I can just see Billy Bob and his 3 tooth grin turning to Jim Bob and saying “We dun fixed them up good time”. Or maybe it is just so they can charge more for a speeding ticket because its listed as a road construction zone(thats not really working out for them on this one as we are barely going 20 mph–need to put a little more thought into it boys!). Whatever the motive Im stuck inching down this road all the while looking at the lane they have blocked off for no reason. And they have put those concrete barracades on BOTH sides of the road so I cant even go off road and make up the precious time. They dont even have an alternate road or detour. We are all just stuck.
So I wanted to say a BIG thanks to my rocket scientists(who are now being filed away in the Slow People file) in Indiana for aiding me in my worst time ever driving back and simultaneously raising the blood pressure of thousands of drivers at 1 time. You guys rule!
