09.05.09
Posted in The Slow People at 7:03 pm by Administrator
I recently had a phone conversation with the BFF Florida regarding an interesting news item on some morning show(She is always good for a blog idea). Evidently, 70% of all of the women in the United States are a size 10 or above. Now, don’t misunderstand me here. I am not chastising anyone for their weight or size. And though I well into the 30%, I realize I may not be the norm. However, I am in the 30% because I am Vegan and run 6 times a week(plus I have some great genes–just don’t know where I got them from—so what do you expect?) I am simply quoting this to make my point(and I have one, I promise). If this is an accurate statistic, I am curious….Why would the Fashion Industry bring back Leggings? Hello….unless your Gisele Bundchen or have an a** so tiny that falls through wicker furniture, these are not a good look for you(I know, the BFF Cali has pictures of me from the 90’s when leggings were last “in”–trust me–VERY BAD!)
What this means to us as women is that the Fashion Industry does not think of us as a whole. They base their trite decisions on….well, nothing it appears. To bring back a trend that was horrid the first time around is ludicrous. That’s like saying “parachute pants” weren’t dreadful…let’s give it another “go” shall we? And while we’re at it, how about amping up those cheesy seasonal sweaters with Christmas themes on them. There’s another masterful idea for the record books. So since this delusional industry can’t seem domesticate this on their own, I’ve decided to be my usual giving self and equip them with a list of trends that should NEVER be resurrected. Here goes:
1) Parachute Pants(this needs no explaination–if you can’t figure this out, you are beyond any guidance I can offer you. Though there’s probably a 12 step program with your name on it)
2) Neon ANYTHING(yet another one that needs little expounding–if your outfit glows in the dark, please do the world a favor and burn it before it seres our eyes)
3) Shoulder Pads–I am still trying to wrap my head around the theory behind this one. Were they just lounging one day and suddenly realized the best way to distort the female body–add 10 pounds of padding to their shoulders! That’s hot!
4) The Flannel Shirt Trend–I never quite got how imitating a lumberjack was admissible. Next thing you know we will all be outfitted in the plastic gear they adorn themselves in on “The Deadliest Catch”. So many levels of wrong going on here.
5) Oversized Sweaters with Leggings–Another infamous one from the 90’s. Why exactly did we feel that looking like an Easter egg with legs was appropriate? Much less flattering? If you feel this is a “good look”, shop at the Maternity store–same results.
6) Ponchos–Where do I begin with this one? Let’s just cut straight through it–Unless you’re Clint Eastwood starring the “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” there will never be an occassion where this attire can be even slightly be construed as acceptable. You might as well cut a hole in a tent and strut out of your house–just please remove any hardware from the tent before attempting this.
7) Stirrup Pants(Sorry, BFF Cali, it had to be said)The BFF Cali and I were a frequent offenders of this one in the 90’s, though it pains me to admit. Hands down the single most unflattering pants ever! These bad boys would have made Megan Fox appear “pear-shaped”. Never again, for the sanctity of us all, please!
Leg Warmers–Speechless….just allow your mind to wander back and let this one marinate. It will come to you.
9) The Spandex Bodysuit–(Especially if it’s an animal print)I will live every day for the rest of my life grateful that I never jumped on this train. Unless you are being paid a six figure income to star in “Cats” on broadway, this is utterly unacceptable and grounds for immediate execution.
And finally, one of my all time favorites…..
10) The Mullet–(A big apology here to all the “Southerners” I’m offending by this one)No, it was never good. No it never will be, Jim Bob. Cut that s*** off…preferably NOW!
I will finish up by noting a memorable one that could have easily been implanted anywhere on the list: Themed Sweaters–if you feel the need to express your love for any given season by the clothing you wear please do it in the comfort of your own home out of courtesy to the rest of the world. You, your “light-up Christmas tree” sweater and your “Mom jeans” just have a wonderful time…amongst yourselves….PLEASE!!!!!
This concludes this segment of The Slurpee Queen “What Never to Wear” Blog. Please stay tuned for updates to this monstrosity of a list as I am confident our friends in Paris and Milan will f*** it up again…and again…and again….
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09.03.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 3:30 am by Administrator
I am creature of habit. Some close to me(oh, f*** it–all close to me)would classify me as slightly “OC”. To the point where, I must admit, I actually do the exact same routine every day. Now, before you start envisioning me as the psychotic hermit who you see on the 9 o’clock news washing their hands 700 times a day yet storing body parts in their refridgerator, please stop. These practices are simply my way of retaining some minuscule amount of control over my life after years of feeling completely helpless. There are slight variations. Though nominal at best. In the summer after the morning rituals, I may break precedence and go to the pool and meet up with some friends for a few hours(I know, ground breaking, huh?). But, all in all, I try and keep to the straight and narrow path I have created for myself(my work, my running, my friends, my family). No surprises. Spontaneous….well…..(thats another blog for another time–stay with me here)
One of the reasons I don’t date very often is the slow deconstruction of said routine. I will typically start to harbor resentment towards the other party for “breaking and entering”-as I haved named it. First they start by attempting to “break” my routine and then they try to “enter” into my life and impose a new method. Therefore, the average man never makes it past 6 months(and thats if he lives out of state–1 month if he’s here). Perhaps it’s a testing mechanism for me. I mean any man that can survive my neurotic tendencies for any entended duration has some serious staying power(or is thoroughly mental–tough call).
The problem I have is I have broken the daily grind on multiple occasions lately and, well, really enjoyed it with a man who is anything but average. I have officially arrived at an uncharted destination with no tour guide. Someone has encroached the boundaries–and I am relatively sure he is holding an pickaxe to start chipping away at the wall I meticulously erected for security. However, instead of summoning the troops for back-up, I am prone to sit back and see if he makes progress. Intriguingly, to say the least, I am somewhat calm. Maybe, just maybe, there is a part of me routing for him to win the internal war that has been raging for years. For when he’s at the wall striking away, I resemble a happy person. Someone who feels worthy of the effort he makes. But when he leaves the wall, there is an eerie silence. One that my prior “OC” self would have relished. Yet now it just seems like an eternity waiting for him return. For that contented side of me to be resurrected by his presence.
I find myself dreading the routine. For I do not remember smiling as much in the last 16 years as I have in the last month. And though it may require some serious “self-adjustment” on my end, I hope he hangs on long enough to see the fruits of his labors.
Who knows, if he is as extraordinary as he seems, I may pick up some tools and help him…..
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09.02.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:36 am by Administrator
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a keener understanding of right and wrong(at least that what I tell myself to try and sleep better at night). I realize that the experiences of my youth have directed me–though not always down the right path, it seems. And now I find myself faltering in a very dangerous area of questioning….. Who draws those lines we are not supposed to cross? At what point in a relationship, is it over? And when do you have the authority to move on without crossing over that invisible line that constitutes cheating?
My history on this subject is not a pretty one. I have been on the receiving end of a distressed relationship as a result of the other party cheating. It is a devastating sensation to come to the realization that the person you have trusted, has migrated in a different direction without you. More importantly, with another person. It’s at that moment you lose all hope and question your ability to ever give the sanctity of any relationship a chance. It’s a costly moral. And for any person who has been through this turmoil, you acquire a very valuable piece of information that will stay with you forever. How it feels to be cheated on.
And though the wisdom pierces you, most ethical people come away with the realization of what not to do. Knowing the pain the other entity will suffer prohibits them from crossing this fine line. That being said, I have no quandaries on whether or not to step over. My perplexity is trying to determine where exactly that pulverent line exists. Does it vary based on circumstances alone or are there other comparative elements to reckon? When is any union truly over?
As a society, we require a legal document to declare an end to a marriage. But in the majority of cases, the demise of the relationship has occurred ages before any official declaration. It is a standard we have established that confounds me. In a non-marital situation, when one party concludes to leave, we accept it as the end. However, in marriage, we enact the end via a court ordered annunciation. Do we consitute the conclusion solely on the division of assets? Is it unbiased to resolve any closure based on monetary aspects, regardless of the timeframe that may entail. At what point is that just to either party involved? As if the destruction of matrimony is not sufficient torture, we feel the need to chastise participants further and prolong their finality.
A month ago, I thought I shared society’s views. But I’ve since entered into the ring and taken a long, hard look at the process. And have serious reservations about where the line should be emplaced. For nothing in a relationship is black and white. Every aspect is interpreted differently based on who you pose the questions. And there will always be two views relative to the entities involved.
One final thought to mull over, when dealing with matters of the heart should we as a society be entrusted to create the boundaries? Or should we allow each situation to dictate it’s own end based on the mitigating circumstances?
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