01.31.10

Refresh…..

Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 4:52 pm by Administrator

You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when.  You can only decide how you’re going to live now.

Joan Baez

A great friend took me out for dinner and drinks last night to work on my “focus”.  Remind me who I really am.  Convince me, once again, that I can be my own worst enemy.  Some of his insight got to me a little.  He’s pretty good at that.  And what he brought to the table was some harsh but necessary criticism of recent events that I handled in a “less than favorable” manner. 

I began to ponder his words and soon came to the realization he was right.  I was dwelling and torturing myself over a minuscule failure.  Because maybe sometimes it’s easier to look back and re-live events than it is to face the unknown trials ahead.  And one of his more poignant arguments is that no one can make you unhappy or miserable, unless you let them.  This is my life.  I determine where I go.  I dictate how I feel.  And though I may encounter situations that do not end the way I imagined, they are not life threatening.  Just a bruised ego that will eventually heal.  And if I am truly living, I will acquire the knowledge to make certain the same bruise with not be sustained twice.

And when those moments come when I feel unfortunate and a little run down over something here is what I need to remember(my “refresh” button on life):

  • I am healthy–something that too many people can not say(I used to be one one them for I’ve cheated death and survived)
  • I have an amazing support system of friends and family–so many others are all alone
  • I am strong–after 40 tumultuous years, I have learned everything I need to overcome whatever obstacle arises
  • I have faith that you “get out exactly what you put in” to everything–it’s never the prize that matters, but what you invested to attain it
  • I am exactly where I choose to be–and should I wish to be elsewhere…I am the only one who can put the events in motion to get there
  • I must embrace that everyday is an opportunity to make a difference–because an act of kindness may be small to commit yet overwhelming to receive

Life isn’t easy.  And though it may seem that way for some people, everyone has their trials to endure and mountains to climb.  You just may see what they let you.  For this opportunity called life that we are given is our chance to shine.  To achieve the unimaginable.  And the worst failure you can ever commit is never trying.  So don’t ever regret growing old or having your heart broken,  for far to many people out there, will never have a chance to experience either.

And in the end it’s not the years in your life that counts, but the life in your years.  Abe Lincoln

01.25.10

The Morning After…..

Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 1:17 am by Administrator

You wake up.  Eyes swollen.  Heart broken.  Faith shattered.  Its the morning after it happened.  You’ve taken a strong left hook, straight to the jaw, and are shell-shocked.  Life as you know it, or at least as you imagined it, seems over.   You replay the event over and over.  Analyze every word and reaction to no avail.  Someone has encroached the wall and ushered in the opposing forces.  You are left in a state of shock.  You look in the mirror and see no glimpse of your prior self.  And realize that after years of construction….the wall has miserably failed.

We’ve all been here.  That devastating moment when you are forced to come to terms with the realization it really is over.  The dream becomes  a mist fading into the woods.  And it leaves  behind a hole inside you that feels enormous….insatiable.  You believed in him.  You accepted his confessions of love and adoration.  And despite the pain, somehow still adore him.  You’re still checking the phone a million times expecting that call or text with an apology.

Well it’s not coming…ever.  Trust me on this.  He’s a man.  And if you haven’t heard yet…then he didn’t care about you.  He can live with out you.  But on the flip side of the coin so can you.  You underestimate your strength.  You can and will move on.  It will be a slow day by day process.  And though the obstacle of surviving this excruciating  pain seems insurmountable, you will overcome it.  And one day you will wake up without rolling over and wishing he was there.  You will be able to look in the mirror and see the strong woman you used to be reappear.  And you will laugh again when something is really funny. 

The friends will be there with a glass of wine, some tissues for the tears and heart-felt advice you probably won’t take.  But their intentions are good.  And the company will aid you.  Though the words may sting and not be what you want to hear, they know you better than you do right now.  Listen to them.

And though you may never truly fill the hole he left-for some scars never heal,  you will come terms with the fact that anyone who would leave an open wound like that, without an apology or second thought, never cared about you anyway.  For any man that is worth your tears, would never make you cry in the first place.

And you will again pick up the bricks and tools and begin the reconstruction process…..acknowledging it will be ages before anyone gets through the fortress again…..