01.31.10
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 4:52 pm by Administrator
You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live now.
Joan Baez
A great friend took me out for dinner and drinks last night to work on my “focus”. Remind me who I really am. Convince me, once again, that I can be my own worst enemy. Some of his insight got to me a little. He’s pretty good at that. And what he brought to the table was some harsh but necessary criticism of recent events that I handled in a “less than favorable” manner.
I began to ponder his words and soon came to the realization he was right. I was dwelling and torturing myself over a minuscule failure. Because maybe sometimes it’s easier to look back and re-live events than it is to face the unknown trials ahead. And one of his more poignant arguments is that no one can make you unhappy or miserable, unless you let them. This is my life. I determine where I go. I dictate how I feel. And though I may encounter situations that do not end the way I imagined, they are not life threatening. Just a bruised ego that will eventually heal. And if I am truly living, I will acquire the knowledge to make certain the same bruise with not be sustained twice.
And when those moments come when I feel unfortunate and a little run down over something here is what I need to remember(my “refresh” button on life):
- I am healthy–something that too many people can not say(I used to be one one them for I’ve cheated death and survived)
- I have an amazing support system of friends and family–so many others are all alone
- I am strong–after 40 tumultuous years, I have learned everything I need to overcome whatever obstacle arises
- I have faith that you “get out exactly what you put in” to everything–it’s never the prize that matters, but what you invested to attain it
- I am exactly where I choose to be–and should I wish to be elsewhere…I am the only one who can put the events in motion to get there
- I must embrace that everyday is an opportunity to make a difference–because an act of kindness may be small to commit yet overwhelming to receive
Life isn’t easy. And though it may seem that way for some people, everyone has their trials to endure and mountains to climb. You just may see what they let you. For this opportunity called life that we are given is our chance to shine. To achieve the unimaginable. And the worst failure you can ever commit is never trying. So don’t ever regret growing old or having your heart broken, for far to many people out there, will never have a chance to experience either.
And in the end it’s not the years in your life that counts, but the life in your years. Abe Lincoln
Permalink
01.25.10
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 1:17 am by Administrator
You wake up. Eyes swollen. Heart broken. Faith shattered. Its the morning after it happened. You’ve taken a strong left hook, straight to the jaw, and are shell-shocked. Life as you know it, or at least as you imagined it, seems over. You replay the event over and over. Analyze every word and reaction to no avail. Someone has encroached the wall and ushered in the opposing forces. You are left in a state of shock. You look in the mirror and see no glimpse of your prior self. And realize that after years of construction….the wall has miserably failed.
We’ve all been here. That devastating moment when you are forced to come to terms with the realization it really is over. The dream becomes a mist fading into the woods. And it leaves behind a hole inside you that feels enormous….insatiable. You believed in him. You accepted his confessions of love and adoration. And despite the pain, somehow still adore him. You’re still checking the phone a million times expecting that call or text with an apology.
Well it’s not coming…ever. Trust me on this. He’s a man. And if you haven’t heard yet…then he didn’t care about you. He can live with out you. But on the flip side of the coin so can you. You underestimate your strength. You can and will move on. It will be a slow day by day process. And though the obstacle of surviving this excruciating pain seems insurmountable, you will overcome it. And one day you will wake up without rolling over and wishing he was there. You will be able to look in the mirror and see the strong woman you used to be reappear. And you will laugh again when something is really funny.
The friends will be there with a glass of wine, some tissues for the tears and heart-felt advice you probably won’t take. But their intentions are good. And the company will aid you. Though the words may sting and not be what you want to hear, they know you better than you do right now. Listen to them.
And though you may never truly fill the hole he left-for some scars never heal, you will come terms with the fact that anyone who would leave an open wound like that, without an apology or second thought, never cared about you anyway. For any man that is worth your tears, would never make you cry in the first place.
And you will again pick up the bricks and tools and begin the reconstruction process…..acknowledging it will be ages before anyone gets through the fortress again…..
Permalink
10.23.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 1:39 am by Administrator
Life is an error-making and error-correcting process, and nature in marking man’s papers will grade him for wisdom as measured both by survival and the quality of life of those who survive–Jonas Salk
We’ve all seen the shows. One man braves nature by being stranded in some obscure destination wielding only a pocket knife, some duct tape and 2 days worth of rations(ok, maybe a slight exaggeration…but you get where I’m going). He’s there to prove he can defy the odds. He’ll take his duct tape and three small twigs and construct an eight room, lavish mansion. By adding a few berries and leaves to his two days rations, he’ll whip out a three course meal fit for a king. And with his handy pocket knife, he will conquer the beasts of the wilderness single-handedly with ease.
Chances are we will never be in this insane of a situation. We will however have our own personal challenges to face. Each of which will require a unique tool to overcome. As I go through this current stage of life, I realize the importance of the elements I need to keep me happy and sane. I am blessed enough to have the following people around to ensure that no matter the challenge, I will survive regardless of how massive the obstacle may be:
1) The Family: They may not be perfect, but when you’re with them you realize who you really are. They are there to be a constant reminder that you must win these battles of life, for without you, life would not be the same for them. You may not live close or see them as often as you like, but they will always be just a phone call away. And though there are days when you just want to give up you will not, if for no other reason, for them.
2) The True Friends (who know you better than you know yourself): They are invaluable. They’ve seen the good, the bad and the outright ugly moments. They’ve experienced the tears, pain and insecurity. But they always know when to step in and when to let you learn the lesson on your own(and show up with a fine bottle of wine later). They will support your decision, no matter how crazy. And will always be there to pick up the pieces if you fall. And if they are truly great–they will document your disasters on film so you can have a Martini and laugh about it later.
3) The Opposite Sex Friend: He or she is strongly relevant. They are your glimpse into the other side of any relationship you take on. They should be brutally honest, but always have the ability to make you laugh when you feel your worst. They can sit on the phone with you and talk about nothing when you need it. This is the person who makes you leave the house, even at your worst, to try and convince you life will go on after your last nightmare of a relationship.
4) The Club: That group of friends that are always around. They are there for the Holiday parties, the kids birthdays, the first soccer games and the infamous annual Girls Shopping Spree and Marguerita Night. Their kids are your surrogates. They know to call you when your favorite movie is on tv. And will schedule a movie night with them on a Tuesday night after you have worked straight for a month without a break, just to get you out. They keep you grounded and remind you life is really about the simple things. These memories with them will always bring a smile to your face.
5) The Significant Other: That man or woman who makes your day better with just an email or text. This person actually makes you want to believe in the fairy tales. He or she is capable of giving you that feeling inside like your soaring down the highest hill of a rollercoaster. You feel safe in their arms. With one look in their eyes, you know its worth all the pain it took to get here. And with them, everything seems possible. For failure seems a faint memory of the past. And if ever you should walk through the door in tears, the first words out of this person’s lips are “Whose ass am I kicking today, baby?”.
These are the people who help me survive anything. They give me an amazing strength that’s infallible. They share the tears and joy. And inspire me to conquer it all.
For without this survival kit( #1–The PC Sister, Techy Brother and The Neighbors, #2–The BFF Cali and BFF Florida, #3–The Italian & #4–Gina, Lynn, Heather, Tiffany, Connie, Mary and Sue, #5–You know who you are) I am but an empty woman.
For I may not have it all together…..but with my survival kit, I so have it all….
Permalink
10.03.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 6:21 pm by Administrator
We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon.–Emil Zatopek
We are all born runners. Some run for the sport. Some of us for the challenge. Yet others run to be healthy. And then there are those of us that just run…away from or towards something. It is a cycle all too often seen in this tumultuous life. After the initial burn, we run. We develop a sixth sense, an internal warning system, that steers us from the fire and down the secure path. We run towards safety and eventually surmise that in our case, that safety is not in numbers as originally professed to us. Yet it is the solitary confinement of our internal race down the secluded road.
There are side roads that arise to lure us off the course. To catch us off guard and lead us down the path of vulnerability. They are dark and sinister in appearance. Like that fog laden, wooded road in the horror movies. We are unable to see ahead and behind. We know something is there…but what? And why? For a slight moment, we weigh our options. Perhaps considering the dense fog will lift and reveal a field of peace and beauty beyond our dreams. Then we remember the raging fire that ushered us to this moment. We anguish by reliving the hole left inside us and the inner scars for which there are no cure. And with that, we turn to our chosen path, and continue to run.
Some of these side roads disguise themselves differently. They spring forward with a tranquility that is intoxicating. They call to us to simply take one step down this avenue, promising this path less taken to be our salvation. They offer the unimaginable…Serenity, Harmony and Inner Contentment. A magic potion to cure the scars within and erase the visions of the torment that em-placed them in the first place. The temptation is strong. But our conscious rears up and reminds us….if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. So we again turn and stay the course.
Yet as we forge our way down the path, the thoughts of the unknown begin to consume us. Perhaps veering to the left and experiencing the thrill of the unknown is part of the process. Maybe its not about consistently winning the straight 100 meter dash, but about experiencing the fulfillment of the marathon and the trials endured during the race. For this safe and narrow run we have chosen, though predictable and secure, lacks the excitement of the winding side roads.
And few who have completed the marathon ever looked back and expressed regret for stepping up to the challenges it had to offer. Instead, they professed a sense of self-satisfaction for manuevering off the main stream, charging up hill and running across the finish line that only one tenth of one percent of the population have ever crossed.
So here we stand staring at this fork in the road and wondering….if our destination, though relevant, pales in comparison to the awe-inspiring journey of the path less taken to get there.
Permalink
09.03.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 3:30 am by Administrator
I am creature of habit. Some close to me(oh, f*** it–all close to me)would classify me as slightly “OC”. To the point where, I must admit, I actually do the exact same routine every day. Now, before you start envisioning me as the psychotic hermit who you see on the 9 o’clock news washing their hands 700 times a day yet storing body parts in their refridgerator, please stop. These practices are simply my way of retaining some minuscule amount of control over my life after years of feeling completely helpless. There are slight variations. Though nominal at best. In the summer after the morning rituals, I may break precedence and go to the pool and meet up with some friends for a few hours(I know, ground breaking, huh?). But, all in all, I try and keep to the straight and narrow path I have created for myself(my work, my running, my friends, my family). No surprises. Spontaneous….well…..(thats another blog for another time–stay with me here)
One of the reasons I don’t date very often is the slow deconstruction of said routine. I will typically start to harbor resentment towards the other party for “breaking and entering”-as I haved named it. First they start by attempting to “break” my routine and then they try to “enter” into my life and impose a new method. Therefore, the average man never makes it past 6 months(and thats if he lives out of state–1 month if he’s here). Perhaps it’s a testing mechanism for me. I mean any man that can survive my neurotic tendencies for any entended duration has some serious staying power(or is thoroughly mental–tough call).
The problem I have is I have broken the daily grind on multiple occasions lately and, well, really enjoyed it with a man who is anything but average. I have officially arrived at an uncharted destination with no tour guide. Someone has encroached the boundaries–and I am relatively sure he is holding an pickaxe to start chipping away at the wall I meticulously erected for security. However, instead of summoning the troops for back-up, I am prone to sit back and see if he makes progress. Intriguingly, to say the least, I am somewhat calm. Maybe, just maybe, there is a part of me routing for him to win the internal war that has been raging for years. For when he’s at the wall striking away, I resemble a happy person. Someone who feels worthy of the effort he makes. But when he leaves the wall, there is an eerie silence. One that my prior “OC” self would have relished. Yet now it just seems like an eternity waiting for him return. For that contented side of me to be resurrected by his presence.
I find myself dreading the routine. For I do not remember smiling as much in the last 16 years as I have in the last month. And though it may require some serious “self-adjustment” on my end, I hope he hangs on long enough to see the fruits of his labors.
Who knows, if he is as extraordinary as he seems, I may pick up some tools and help him…..
Permalink
09.02.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:36 am by Administrator
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a keener understanding of right and wrong(at least that what I tell myself to try and sleep better at night). I realize that the experiences of my youth have directed me–though not always down the right path, it seems. And now I find myself faltering in a very dangerous area of questioning….. Who draws those lines we are not supposed to cross? At what point in a relationship, is it over? And when do you have the authority to move on without crossing over that invisible line that constitutes cheating?
My history on this subject is not a pretty one. I have been on the receiving end of a distressed relationship as a result of the other party cheating. It is a devastating sensation to come to the realization that the person you have trusted, has migrated in a different direction without you. More importantly, with another person. It’s at that moment you lose all hope and question your ability to ever give the sanctity of any relationship a chance. It’s a costly moral. And for any person who has been through this turmoil, you acquire a very valuable piece of information that will stay with you forever. How it feels to be cheated on.
And though the wisdom pierces you, most ethical people come away with the realization of what not to do. Knowing the pain the other entity will suffer prohibits them from crossing this fine line. That being said, I have no quandaries on whether or not to step over. My perplexity is trying to determine where exactly that pulverent line exists. Does it vary based on circumstances alone or are there other comparative elements to reckon? When is any union truly over?
As a society, we require a legal document to declare an end to a marriage. But in the majority of cases, the demise of the relationship has occurred ages before any official declaration. It is a standard we have established that confounds me. In a non-marital situation, when one party concludes to leave, we accept it as the end. However, in marriage, we enact the end via a court ordered annunciation. Do we consitute the conclusion solely on the division of assets? Is it unbiased to resolve any closure based on monetary aspects, regardless of the timeframe that may entail. At what point is that just to either party involved? As if the destruction of matrimony is not sufficient torture, we feel the need to chastise participants further and prolong their finality.
A month ago, I thought I shared society’s views. But I’ve since entered into the ring and taken a long, hard look at the process. And have serious reservations about where the line should be emplaced. For nothing in a relationship is black and white. Every aspect is interpreted differently based on who you pose the questions. And there will always be two views relative to the entities involved.
One final thought to mull over, when dealing with matters of the heart should we as a society be entrusted to create the boundaries? Or should we allow each situation to dictate it’s own end based on the mitigating circumstances?
Permalink
08.30.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 5:23 am by Administrator
“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not that is inconsolable”
–Sydney J Harris
Regrets. A familiar term to all of us. Everyone has them regardless of race, sex or religious affiliation. Regret covers the broadest range, from mere disappointment to a painful sense of dissatisfaction or self-reproach, over something lost or done. It is that unsilenceable voice whispering in your ear about the possibility you made the wrong decision.
I have an incisive understanding of the theory of this type of sorrow. Of how it furtively maneuvers itself into your mind and slowly settles in. It takes residence and awaits the highly anticipated juncture when you are just about to resolve a situation. And when that moment arrives, regret rears it’s intangible head and strikes. You are blindsided and lost. It has asked the unanswerable riddle that plagues us all, “What if?”.
What if I had gone back to see her in the hospital one last time and expressed how she moved me? How, at that young age, I idolized her every move and yearned for nothing more than one last Mid-Summer night thunderstorm with her where we would lounge on the front porch chaise experiencing Mother Nature’s brilliant light show. I could’ve conveyed my infallible love for her and everything she taught me. And described to her how people saw her: As the most kind, generous, good hearted person ever to have graced us with her presence. I could’ve done all this….and so much more.
But I didn’t. Instead, I embraced the arrival of regret and relinquished control of my life to it. It’s become that invisible entity that guides me back to those remorseful moments when I life as I knew it was altered forever. And yet, the wisdom I have acquired from my years with regret is invaluable. It has instructed me on the importance of always verbalizing how much the people I love mean to me. Regret’s lessons have molded me into who I am today. And though I may not have it all together, I am constantly evolving towards that instance when the past of regrets meets the future of happiness and unites.
For maybe regret is nothing more than a vessel to guide us through the tumultuous waters and navigate us to where we are really meant to be. Perhaps its purpose is simply to enable us to truly appreciate what we have and love it in a way that only we can. To grasp the notion that every day is our blank canvass. And with this we have a choice: we can sleepwalk through life adhering to a “paint by numbers” unconscious attitude or we can be inspired and give Picaso a run for his money.
Now, where are those paint brushes….
Permalink
08.22.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:33 am by Administrator
I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
— Marilyn Monroe
Truer words have never been spoken. And for those of you who know me personally, she could have been decribing me.
I know that normally there is a sarcastic, facetious blog here typically venting over The Slow People and their relentless attempt to slowly, but calculatedly, drive me insane. But I need to mix it up a little today so please bear with me. I have had three constants in my life for the last 16 years.
1) My family and friends(they are one because I consider my friends part of my family)
2) My job
3) My inpenetrable wall I’ve built to keep those people not in #1 from getting too close
I would walk through fire for the people I love and work 80+ hours a week for a job I believe in that pays me 1/4 of what I’m worth. These elements will never change. It’s #3 that I find myself having doubts about. Do not misunderstand me. The wall has a purpose that it has consistently served for so long I don’t remember life before it. I appreciate the wall and everything it has kept me safe from for all of this time. But I’ve met someone that makes me question if it’s time to lower the wall, just a little, and really open myself up to give a man a chance to prove all my life lessons wrong.
I’m not going to build him up(well maybe a little). He’s not perfect. But who am I kidding, neither am I. He’s been a great friend to me for years. He’s the man you know will be there when the chips are down. Who won’t judge your mistakes. He’s made his own and therefore understands the process of life. His sarcastic humor is intoxicating. The kind of person I could have a battle of wits with and concede defeat without remorse. A very worthy adversary. Someone whose opinion I respect tremendously. But yet he’s so much more.
Charming, respectful, attractive, romantic, sexy, slightly dark, broken, extremely driven, ridiculously competitive….take out the attractive and sexy part and he is, for all intense purposes, the male version of me. He gets my scintillating humor. And the fact that I am tremendously guarded. He’s witnessed the viscious temper and appreciates it. He knows I may never may never let him in. But seems to think that if there is that slight chance he is wrong, it would be worth all of the effort to try.
In my secure corner of the world, he should be a threat to very existence of the fortress of solitude I’ve constructed to ensure the absence of any and all future pain. I should be able to look into to his eyes and realize he is a menace to my reality. But I wonder…..
What if I’ve done it all wrong? What if there are no coincidences? What if meeting him and becoming his friend first was simply the catalyst I needed to move forward. To accept with great happiness comes great uncertainty. And in order to really be satisfied, you must first find what you are open to desire and be vulnerable to it. What if it’s time to live in the moment and simply be?
I am not sure where this will go. Life has taught me that in a few weeks or months, I will disappoint him and be back here regretting my decision to give him an opening. But for some unexplainable reason, I think I can live with that. It’s a chance I’m willing to take. This one just might be worth it. I will leave you, after rotating 360 degrees, to the quote from a plaque I gave my sister the Christmas after her 40th birthday:
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”
Let the dance begin…..
Permalink
06.25.09
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:45 am by Administrator
Yeah……….NO!!!!
That is just a cheesy little picture that the site builder put on this page that I didn’t have the heart to delete. I keep waiting for it to turn into video and a linebacker to come charging in and level both of them(you know it would be funny-I will work on this for you). Though I was able to easily scratch the other mock photos initially surgically implanted on this page without my permission, I felt kinda sorry for these two. I mean just look at them. One of these two may be famous someday because I left this picture on my site which was taken during the early stages of what appears to be their “soon to be extinct” modeling careers. But they appear to be having a genuinely nice conversation about absolutely nothing.
Despite what The Florida BFF’s husband thinks, when I speak it is usually on very serious and important topics. And for the record, SHOES qualify as a serious and important conversation. For the men out there, I am feeling particularly giving today(don’t expect this again, please) so I will let you in on a little known female secret as to why SHOES are so important. Because it does not matter what size woman you are, a great pair of shoes will always look great on you. And as Cinderella taught us at the very earliest stages of life, a pair of shoes can change your life.
So hang in there boys, and if you really want to “get some” be sure to mention how amazing your babe’s shoes look. This will take you far.
As for my aspiring models up there. I am going to give them their 15 minutes and leave them up….For Now!
Permalink
Posted in It's All About Me(and Those Voices in My Head) at 2:06 am by Administrator
My Characters (The PC Sister(who you can’t help but love), The Techy Brother(if it’s shiny and has buttons…he can “upgrade it”), The Ohio Neighbors(Arrrggghh!), The Cali BFF, The Florida BFF and The Men(they do not individually deserve more than one name–perhaps numbers)
(More on the characters to follow)…Let’s start with me!I was born and raised in the Midwest(for the rest of you who share this curse–my sympathies). I am not sure why I have stayed here. My 2 best friends live in Florida and California. And proceed to tell me at every point when we talk, how great the weather is. I firmly believe they have a bet going to see who can get me to breakdown and move someplace warm first–good luck girls! I may actually do it….but first I would like to address a few things with the people who invented “global warming”. Clearly they did not “stop by” Chicago anytime this Winter!
Anyway….
My life has become a whirlwind of surprisingly “scratch-your-head-and-say-HUH?” situations that have managed to bring me to this point. So instead of purchasing firearms or resorting to prescription drugs(orange is not my color, stripes are too 80’s for me and my Doctors won’t give me the good stuff) , I have started this site to Blog It Out(I know you like this but I am working on patenting it–so hands off). And maybe entertain a few others in the process.
If this doesn’t work we will go to Plan B…..lots of Vino and Valium. We might have to throw in a few 20 somethings to mix it up. We’ll see.
Advanced warning….there is no Plan C!
Permalink
